shame, devotion, and venxiao
originally written 17 march 2022.
this is a partial transcription of a diary entry. as you might expect, it will have parts and passages redacted for privacy.
it references a still-unpublished xv longfic i was working on the time that i have since put on the backburner for a while (as well as briefly touches on characters/dynamics from a previous fandom) but the part that made me want to archive this the most was the bit that argues for venxiao as a more accurate dynamic than xiaoven.
i know i said that i don't usually care abt ordering, but admittedly, i do have a bit of a preference here lol.
i think i neuter my romantic writing. and i don't know how much damage that has done to my art.
i feel as if i can write pain with vivid intensity, with phrases like "puking up fishhooks" or "swallowing a briar taking root in one's throat" coming to mind when describing how it feels to speak at times. they are just words, but there is such violence to them. i love how viscerally i can feel them.
but when it comes to writing romance or emotional intimacy… i think i'm just repressed? i keep imagining scenes n prose w/such lovely, vivid detail, but when it comes time to commit it to paper, i suddenly feel so SEEN… so PERCEIVED and JUDGED!!!! it's like… oh my god… i have DESIRES…
and maybe it's just me, but "desire" is such a loaded word. i think that's why i find it so difficult to deal with. to want something so earnestly, from so deep within one's heart… how is that not simply THE most mortifying thing on the planet?
it is not a sin to want. n i've shown my desires for others before— but the catch there is that those desires were for their benefit, their well-being. to desire so selfishly… it shouldn't be this difficult!
yet somehow, there is such shame to it. i guess it's fitting, considering my affinity for monsters n monsterfuckers in fiction. […] was [redacted middle school crush] really the last time i was truly earnest n unashamed of my selfish desires? i think [they] might have been, remembering how vividly i sent those [love confession letters].
that's kind of funny. [xiaoven] need to come to terms w/their selfish desires that are not going to go away n be vulnerable w/each other abt their ugliest selves in order to be accepted n truly loved, at which point shame loses its incredible power over them; but i am FAR too embarrassed to portray it in the vivid prose it needs to fully support that lesson, neutering it instead.
i KNOW i tend to give characters problems i need to work through, too, so that i can feel empowered when they manage to conquer their challenges n come out the other side to a happy ending, but GEEZ . i'm kind of starting to miss when it was stuff like "running away from your problems" n "admitting to yourself you're dong smth for selfish reasons" n "mistakes will not define you for the rest of your life"
ugh. SHAME!!!
okay, i think a chunk of this shame also comes from fear of rejection. bc thinking abt it, the part i wrote yesterday i most heavily considered censoring was like… it felt like taking initiative to invite another person to act… on you? in response to you?
fuck if i know; here's the passage—
(venti may say this, that he tries to be as close to human as he can, but the way xiao feels looking up at him– it's like he's tugged down his stiff collar to bare his own neck for execution. it is pure devotion. that is how one feels towards a god, is it not?)
like. OKAY. that feels like A LOT (n i'm proud of it), doesn't it??
the most mortifying bit, i think, is just the imagery of undressing n the way it invokes waiting for someone else's actions upon you. it ties back to violence, of course, bc i don't think i could have kept it otherwise. but it still retains that same sense of intimacy– aren't you still afraid of rejection? esp when exposing oneself like that. it's so vulnerable; how dangerous!!!
kind of obsessed w/this passage anyway. i didn't even realize xiao was basically just saying, " i would die for you" until i sent it to [friend] asking if it was Too Much™, so that was fun as hell. the context for it is really compelling to Me Personally, too… i was simply struck by this bit where xiao tries to tell venti his true name, the one the evil god used to control him in his youth/childhood, only for venti to stop him n refuse to hear it.
it's just. this incredibly emotionally charged moment where xiao tries to give his entire self over to venti bc he's in LOVE n this is ALL he know how to show it!!! but he doesn't understand boundaries , so it becomes this horrifying show of devotion, BUT IT IS EARNEST DEVOTION NONETHELESS !!!!!
i'm just saying, that as someone who must be driven to act out of love for others, this shit fucks immensely to me
n like, the lines after venti stops him?
"i don't want to hold that power over you."
but i want you to.
i. i'm. *hides half my face behind a fan like a victorian lady*
obviously, in the context of fandom, there is a difference btwn xiaoven and venxiao. power dynamics n stuff? technically top n bottom discourse, but sexual contexts are too ew for me, so it's really just abt who follows n who leads in a relationship.
i tend not to care too much, since i get weirded out if it feels too… overt? controlling? one-sided? n it starts feeling like the characters are just becoming bastardized " Any Two Guys."
but, like, as may be obvious by the common ship name being xiaoven, fandoms typically have a preference. it makes sense– xiao is v physically strong, n he has this very curt, no-nonsense, straightforward way of doing things, while venti is usually mistaken for a girl by people new to genshin. in concept, it could be fun to see xiao lead a more uncertain venti around n be the more decisive, aggressive(?) pursuer of the relationship.
(all this feels very weird to write down, but i go into Essay Mode when talking abt my ships, so it feels like an academic sin if i don't.)
HOWEVER. relationships are based in feelings n are therefore much more human things. that is definitely not smth xiao is familiar with or experienced in at all. that is venti's area of expertise.
n xiao is a character i like to characterize by his devotion n his obedience. he's not the type to come up w/a procedure for acting in situations where he is totally unfamiliar w/what's happening bc his procedure will probably be aggressive "hit it 'till it dies." in situations involving others, he can't do that, so he's left pretty helpless in situations all about ~feelings~ and stuff.
now like i said earlier, venti is the more human one. he knows how to navigate these kinds of situations, which is why xiao would look to him for guidance in navigating these things. he wants to be told what to do bc he is a weapon, a violent tool w/no agency of his own (or at least as he likes to think).
…this is a very wordy way of saying, "this passage made me realize i have a taste or even a preference for venxiao rather than xiaoven."
for some reason, that realization came as a bit of a surprise hahaha. like, i think i've had this tendency through the years to favor the perspective of the monsterfucker over the monster, since they tend to be, in my writing, the one who pines first. they want something they cannot have, n they recognize these desires first bc they are more human. at the same time, they refrain from acting on it for various, usually external, factors.
xiao (and megumi, to an extent) breaks this mold bc their repression is more internally driven. megumi says he doesn't want to act on his feelings for yuuji bc it's doomed anyway so why bother, when really he just doesn't think he's good enough to be worthy of yuuji's love in turn.
idk man, i'm just really into the horrifying levels of devotion xiao can present n later learn to rein in through self-love taught through loving others n others loving him. maybe it's watching smth self-destructive n dangerous fall victim to smth that can withstand its horrors n love it anyway, love it enough to make destroying itself no longer feel worth it.
ah… the old, "i'd die for you" // "we are going to make it out of this together."
[…]
…<3
but yeah, i can kind of feel that push-n-pull of desires when i wrote that passage bc they're arguing abt things so deeply a part of them: xiao's self-destructive obedience to venti's bleeding heart n ideal of freedom.