asexual explorations
still more partial transcription of diary entries. in case it wasn't already clear, i'm an asexual, and was sex-repulsed growing up.
originally written 31 october 2022.
i'm pretty sure it was at some point these last two months that i first verbalized the realization that whatever the hell i have going on w/xiaoven is in some way related to whatever this — *gestures vaguely at my deeply religious upbringing* — is. which is, like, kind of crazy. definitely hella embarrassing!!!
i think the insatiable curiosity abt sex n intimacy is most certainly prompted by xiaoven (or… honestly more by venxiao… *head in hands*) also just really gets to me. like, really bro… you're gonna acclimate yourself to smut just for this? you really should not be calling xiao your son anymore w/the fictional situations you've been putting him in.
i know it's not actually incongruous w/my (aro)ace identity [to be so curious abt sex n intimacy], and also that the experience of sexual intimacy is incredibly meaningful to many people for emotional reasons, but the sex-repulsion has been a pretty prominent aspect of my own asexuality for so long that now that my brain is like, "hey, what if this character had a dick up his ass" i'm just like, "???"
granted, i suppose it's not the dick up the ass part that compels me. it's more like xiao and the mortifying ordeal of having such base human desires (like a dick up his ass (i have to stop wording it this way…)) that compels me. granted (2), wording it like that is, like, really disgusting, n i still do not have the stomach to read explicit anal sex on ao3 bc… like… ew??
i just like the idea of this incredibly obedient character, who is used to their obedience leading them to suffer for what they consider to be the greater good for others, being placed in a situation where obedience gives them selfish n definite pleasure. "you are allowed to be happy, n you are allowed to be happy bc of smth someone else has done for you."
getting fucked just seems like the logical endpoint for xiao here, esp. when considering the amt of physical vulnerability it requires n his character past.
anyway, this is neither here nor there, but if the characters are gonna fuck, i need them to be so terribly in love w/each other, too. like, literally what is the point of all the meaningful vulnerability and intimacy if they are not motivated by love???
(i know the answer for other people will be "horny" but i need to romanticize my way through this.)
anyway, maybe this is why i have a preference for venxiao. venti simply lacks the repression that so compels me. if he gets fucked, that's bc he wants to be, n he has no qualms abt it whatsoever, i imagine.
anyway, i think the fact that xiao n venti are also both immortals helps in this case. something abt them both being adults w/thousands of years of life experience makes me more comfortable using them to explore concepts of trust n intimacy in a way that i feel is just more mature than if they were teenagers just figuring themselves out.
it makes me feel better abt being this whole-ass adult myself n just now becoming compelled by narratives around sex.
originally written 6 january 2023.
this entry is probably going to be about sex. bc that's been smth i've been getting more comfortable thinking abt/discussing.
i guess that really is a marker of how i've changed since last year– i've managed to push myself far enough out of my comfort zone to realize that i can indeed be fond of m/m smut, in the right conditions. wth that, i've kind of come to the conclusion that i don't feel disgusted w/sex n smut on principle: instead, i, like, many other human beings, simply have preferences for how sexual fantsies are portrayed, n the sorts of kinks they feature.
what i have learned is that i am actually a very basic bitch abt sex. a lot of stuff i don't like in smut, m/m smut in particular, are combinations of kinks and (porn?) tropes that i simply do not jive with. like, i think the psychic dmg i took from reading that one xiaoven fic w/the HEAVY god/religion kink was probably beneficial to me in some way, bc i was fine right up until the kink itself started to show, n suddenly, i was like, "OH… I DON'T LIKE THIS…" w/this visceral discomfort.
i think it turns out that the thing i need to be focused on most prominently in smut is just straight-up love n affection. like, if they are not the most disgustingly sweet n tender to each other through their actions n words, then [assuming it doesn't otherwise actively deal me psychic dmg], i'm not interested.
i guessing this sort of realization/development/preference comes out of the time i've spent contemplating romances as an aro. like, i think i'm able to understand n accept how romance n romantic feelings form n develop, but sex? ah! now that's where the deep confusion comes in!
perhaps– n i'm only considering this rn– romance feels easier to understand n contemplate bc it's portrayed everywhere. i've been reading some queer sex manuals recently– the new joy of gay sex (1992) and fucking trans women #0 (2010)– n they've brought up some interesting points abt porn n sexual fantasy. namely, that "a key part of getting a handle on our own sexuality is to make our own pornography" (FTW).
fantasy is important to sexuality bc it allows people to explore the way certain things might make them feel in the privacy n safety of their own mind, teasing out kinks n turn-offs before actually taking everything off around someone.
i'm still revolted at the idea of anyone touching me sexually or vice versa, but i think i've come to enjoy exploring feelings of trust n intimacy through smut fic. fic is nice bc i'm not involved in the… eroticism? of it all; i'm just enjoying the way the characters make each other feel n how they choose to show their feelings n desires through action. i guess that's part of why i need love n affection to be there so badly ahaha.
i suppose if i like romances where two characters slowly start to uncover each other's sensitive flaws n raw emotions n shortcomings, then eventually learn to trust enough to let each other touch on those issues w/the most tenderest of intentions, n the love that forms btwn the acceptance of those most delicate faults in one another– it only makes sense that my main way of understanding sexual desire would be that those psychological vulnerabilities get changed out for physically sensitive areas, n the trust involved in baring your most private spots to someone.
hahaha, i suspect this is a terribly romantic way of conceptualizing sexual desire. i guess that it still doesn't really explain sexual attraction on its own, like, outside of demis n stuff, but that's fine. for now, i like my fictional sex to be romantic n tooth-rottingly sweet.