proximity
so there's this talk that mae and bea have if you choose to hang out with bea on the second day that i have always been kind of super enthralled with because of the way it marks the moment the two girls start to truly understand each other again, the moment their connection starts to return in earnest.
and so obviously, this is one of the scenes in nitw that made me just so deranged abt it in a xv kind of way that we simply Must have a separate page for it hehe.
so, on one of the nights venti chooses to hang out w/xiao, xiao ends up driving venti like two hours into the city so that they can go to a college party together. in nitw, bea was going to go anyway (bc that's how she copes w/her life n feels normal), and mae just happens to be tagging along, but xiao would never attend a party all on his own; he is totally doing this for venti's sake, since he knows that venti probably misses the freedom and anonymity of it all.
anyway, venti does have a bit of fun, but xiao is being an absolute wallflower, which venti thinks is odd, bc in his mind, he was just following along with whatever xiao was going to do for the night. so he goes up to xiao and bugs him a bit, maybe teases him a little, only for xiao to be gruff and awkward in return.
a stranger comes and chats up venti. xiao excuses himself from the situation by saying he'll be in the bathroom, and venti, thinking nothing of it, is just like, "okay~!"
eventually, though, he notices that xiao's been in the bathroom for a really long time and goes to check on him— only to discover xiao isn't there either, at which point it dawns on him that xiao ran off, the social setting proving to be too much for him.
normally, i don't let xv curse, like, kind of basically ever— xiao is not a fifteen-year-old edgelord, and venti is much more creative than that— but just this once, i like the idea of it. i like the idea of a pit suddenly appearing in venti's stomach, and he swears— first just barely mouthing it, then he starts repeating it several times, quickly and under his breath, holding himself back from shouting because fuck, man, he just scared off xiao!! (how is it that everyone he cares about seems to want to do this?)
and so venti books it out of there, running out of the basement where the party's being held and into the pouring rain, looking up and down the street as if xiao might be just outside. but he's not, and neither of them have cell phones bc there's no reception in their hometown of stone gate, so he just decides to start searching, weather and darkness be damned.
xiao's not at the car, which is parked nearby, so venti mentally apologizes to xiao as he uses it to parkour onto some nearby roofs (though he doesn't leave any dents anyway bc it's either one of those old junkers that isn't made to dent easily or one of those old junkers that's already got a bunch of dents, so it's fiiiiine) and runs off towards the river, towards windrise, probably, if i choose to have the party take place in mondstadt.
and really, venti doesn't know what he's doing or where he's going; he's just desperate to find xiao as he sprints dangerously across the rain-slicked rooftops, and it is through sheer dumb luck that he finds xiao.
and venti just stands there breathlessly, prickling tears of relief hidden by the rain, when he finds xiao, sitting on a bench nestled between the roots of the windrise tree and gazing out at the river. and he smiles, the relief damn ready to destroy him, as he says, "Found you," in such a way that makes is just painfully obvious how worried he was.
and xiao tenses ever so subtly, such that it's nearly impossible to tell through the rain (which has lightened up considerably by this point, but they're both kind of soaked to the bone by this point anyway lol). But then he relaxes a second or two later, and so venti approaches the bench, lingers behind xiao for a bit, not saying anything. and when xiao doesn't protest, he moves to sit next to him on the bench.
xiao moves over a bit, venti quietly thanks him, xiao says nothing, silence again. they stare at the river, painfully close, but never touching; venti can hear his own heart pounding in his ears, xiao's quiet breathing— everything but actual speech.
and then, once he's caught his breath and his bravery, venti asks, "what happened? why'd you run off?"
to which xiao is silent for a bit, until venti swallows back some of his lingering fear and anxiety and nudges him, at which point xiao says he simply needed air.
- in the rain?
- yes.
- you're going to catch a cold like this!
banter-banter-banter, venti laughs at something stupid xiao says to lamely defend himself, and something between them breaks in a good way: the wall xiao has put up between them, which has been terrifying venti all this time, has started to come down.
- why are you laughing?
- sorry, it's just— i didn't expect you to say something so movie-troped and stupid.
and the laughter peters out, and in settles this somber ache of what used to be.
like, the two of them were friends for a while when they were in like, their actual childhood, elementary school age, but when they entered middle school, xiao started sort of fading out of venti's life bc he saw venti's social butterfly nature and decided he was just holding venti back, and by the time venti thought it was happening enough to be a problem, xiao was basically already out of his life. and it was like this, "oh, okay" moment of grievous acceptance, bc who is he to impose on xiao like that?
on the bench, venti asks something like, "hey. what happened to us?"
"what do you mean?"
venti shrugs, somewhat lamely. "i dunno. growing up, it just seemed like at some point, we stopped being friends."
and there's this pause as they sit together on a cold stone bench beneath a tree w/dying leaves bc it's the dead of autumn, and the rain's not so bad anymore, but the tree keeps dripping fat droplets on the both of their heads every so often so it feels almost worse. and venti waits, because he really wants to hear what xiao has to say, because he misses the simple joy they had together as childhood friends, and he wants to know why he lost that.
and xiao tells him the truth. says the "i wasn't good enough for you" and everything, which leads venti into something like, "?? why would you ever think that???" but xiao just shrugs and says, "dunno. i'm just not."
and venti sighs, feels this kind of dreadful knot in his chest, because he wants xiao to feel like they're equals. because it's hard coming back home and hoping to pretend that everything is okay and normal when your childhood best friend you're a little bit in love with keeps you at arm's length, emotionally, every time you try to reconnect.
because he's tired of feeling like he's not good enough, like he's not good enough, the way he was in college. he's tired of feeling like his whole life is just wilting, and maybe even has been for a lot longer than when he entered college.
he wants an honest-to-god human connection. he wants to be someone's favorite person, not just some guy they knew around and were chill with. he sees how albedo has come into aether's life and become his closest connection in the wake of lumine's disappearance, and venti doesn't want to intrude on that.
so with lumine gone, xiao's like the last thing he has left, but if xiao is just gonna refuse to ever consider them equals, venti is going to shatter because that's just one more thing he can't get back. he dug all the way back through his life hoping that this one thing was still alive, that this single thing rooting him in this place could still grow— if it's gone and can't be brought back, then that's just gonna be it. he's a canary in a doomed mine, singing feebly until he drops.
so like. *tucks hair behind ear* that might be a really unhealthy codependency(?), but venti's been kind of going through the wringer for the last two years, and now that he's come back to the place he last remembers there being some kind of spark in his life only to find it gone, practically murdered by the crushing weight of reality, so i think it makes sense that he'd get to this point.
ofc, i don't think he's ever gonna say that sort of thing out loud. "i need you, because without some sort of thing i can look at and say, 'yeah, that's a real connection. i'm meaningful, i make a difference in the world, in other people's lives', and i think that whatever relationship we could have could be that, and i think i'm gonna fling myself off the bridge outside of town if i don't feel like i fucking matter to anyone in this world." i don't know if he'll think it or even be aware of the fact that he's searching so desperately for human connection bc he's suicidal. he's just… under a lot of stress, and he's searching for support.
and i mean, he's lucky in that regard, that after he tells xiao to drop the whole "you're not good enough for me" nonsense, xiao demonstrably tries to believe him, demonstrably tries to change his thoughts n behavior in a way that reflects that.
and maybe some part of venti doesn't think he's good enough for xiao. after all, xiao's the one working to keep himself n zhongli alive, the one who gave up going to college and resigned himself to live out his whole life in stone gate to do so. but there's a part of him that hopes, that fights (and wins!) against that thought that he's not good enough, that makes him believe that he n xiao can, like, come together n rest in the home they find in one another.
venti asks, "do you think we'd still have been friends if we weren't both just trapped in our dying small town together our whole lives?"
"i don't know," xiao answers. he isn't meeting venti's gaze, so venti looks away. "but… i hope so. i hope that in another life, we still would have met."
and this brings a rush of aching fondness to venti's chest as he finds himself caught up in a sense of familiarity, this fledgling connection that had maybe never really gone away after all. and he says, "if that's the case, then i hope in that life, we'll both be free."
xiao nods or hums or smth in response, but otherwise what follows them is silence.
anyway, eventually, venti asks if xiao would like to read some of the poetry he's written since coming back to stone gate, since he keeps that little notebook on him at all times.
xiao says sure; venti hands him the notebook, a little cheerier than they were just a minute ago. xiao turns to a random page and just starts reading aloud:
"I'm teetering on the edge of a glass cliff," he says, in his soft, even tone, and venti feels almost like he's been shot.
but he quietly joins in, and together they read, "will it shatter? will I fall anyway?" and he recites "everyone seems to think I can fly regardless" all on his own because xiao sees where the poem is going and has gotten a little lost in venti's faraway, wistful voice, but venti himself stops short of the last line, leaving xiao to pick it up and give it breath.
"but i can't see my wings."
and they're quiet for a moment after xiao finishes the poem. then, xiao says, "you forgot to capitalize the last i."
venti laughs. "That was on purpose, actually. it's a way of differentiating the version of myself the world sees and how i feel i really am," he explains.
"And why didn't you capitalize it?"
"Because I'm not important enough to be a proper noun, of course."
Silence again. Xiao stares at the notebook. Venti stares at the dark river, though he steals constant glances at Xiao sitting beside him.
Eventually, Xiao asks, "Which are you now?"
Venti cocks his head, makes a little noise of confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Capital or lowercase."
Venti finally meets Xiao's gaze, and he shivers slightly— though if it's from the cold or Xiao's intensity, he can't be sure. There's an earnestness, a sort of sweet concern in Xiao's eyes that frightens Venti, almost, that makes him feel like he should just take flight.
But Venti settles his own nerves, reminds himself that he is not a canary and this is not a doomed mine. Perhaps he is still a caged bird, but he still sings.
"I don't know," he says, simply, honestly. When Venti tilts his head at him, Venti looks away. "I think that a lot of me right now wants to say lowercase." He rocks back and forth on the cold, stone bench, kicks a pebble into the river as he lets out a slow breath. "But…"
(And here, he pays Xiao yet another brief glance, finding comfort in the steadfastness of the latter's gaze.)
"But I think there's also some part of me, way deep down, that's still fighting and screaming, that still hopes," he continues. He drags his feet through the gravel, as if he's about to stand up— and maybe he is, but he hesitates. "And with what's been going on lately, I almost feel as if I can dare to hope I will someday matter enough to be a proper noun someday."
He flashes Xiao a smile— a real smile, the sort of smile he didn't realize he still had in him after all these years of wilting.
(The brief spark of joy surprises him so much, he doesn't notice the way Xiao's eyes widen, flustered, for all of two seconds.)
"…I see," Xiao says, and he gingerly closes Venti's notebook. There's a beat of nothing but the soft pattering of the rain, the dim roar of the rushing river, and the tapping of Venti's shoes against the gravel before Xiao moves to return the notebook. "Here."
Venti stands up and stretches out. "Thank you~" he says, almost sing-songs, as he tucks it safely away into his pocket. "We should head back to town. I think we've both had a long night."
and so they finally return to xiao's car and begin the long drive back home. and after settling in and feeling the wind carding through his hair for a bit, venti eventually returns his attention to xiao, who is diligently paying great care to his driving so that they don't die. and after a moment of simply studying xiao, venti asks, "why did you choose to bring us to a party all the way out in the city of mondstadt anyway?"
xiao heaves a bit of a sigh, but not as if he's tired. it's more resignation mixed with desire. "because i knew it would be the sort of thing you would enjoy," he admits.
"Aww, that's so sweet of you~" venti says, propping his chin up on his elbows as he rests them on the armrest between them. "but you didn't have to do that for me."
xiao shrugs noncommittally.
venti peers at him, studies him by the yellow-white light of the intermittent street lamps, and suddenly hits him that, oh. this has been xiao's way of trying to reconnect with venti, of showing that he still cares about venti's happiness after all this time. that this is just xiao's way of expressing devotion.
and sure, venti doesn't really like the idea of xiao just putting aside all his own feelings and desires just bc he has the chance to do smth for venti, but they had that talk abt being equals tonight, too, and xiao is steadfast about his word, so venti finds it very easy to hope n believe that this won't be the case moving forward.
"thank you," he says, touched by the action. "really. but next time, let's go somewhere you like, okay?"
xiao grunts, and there follows a period of comfortable silence. like, the silence on the way up was definitely kind of awkward, and the pauses at windrise ranged from tense to awkward to something resembling comfortable, but these are just flat-out comfortable silences. venti uses this time to stare out the window at the sky, clearing up to show all the stars that had been hidden behind the clouds until now.
and eventually, xiao murmurs, "i love you." just loud enough that he can be perfectly heard and understood by venti, who stills at the words, for they made his heart skip a beat.
he shifts his position from resting his head against the car window to sitting up properly and looking at xiao, as if trying to gauge his sincerity even though he's never known xiao to be anything less than completely sincere bc he can hardly believe it.
like, obviously, he's missed xiao for years, even before he moved to college. at some point, he's got to have figured out that he's pining. but at the same time, xiao had been the one to wander off (though i'm sure venti blames himself at least a little bit for that too), was the one to keep those walls n stuff up for so long (not that venti can blame him, considering The Incident™), so while obviously venti now knows that xiao cares about him, he never would have guessed xiao was in love with him too.
and so venti's just like, "…since when?" so slightly it's barely a breath; he's trying to hold it all in.
and it's kind of hard to tell in the shit lighting, but xiao flushes a bit, n he does some nervous or awkward tic where he chews the inside of his cheek or purses his lips or smth like that, then he just lets out this half-embarrassed, half-exasperated sigh and answers venti honestly.
what that honest answer is specifically, i'm not sure right now. maybe he's not sure either! maybe he only realized what the feelings were, specifically, some time after venti returned to stone gate, but the feelings themselves have been there for so long, he's not entirely sure when exactly they appeared or at what point his feelings changed.
and all venti can really say is just, "oh." in this pleasant surprise kind of way. and that kind of delight and pleasure feels kind of raw in his chest, like it's pressing up against something which had been getting painfully scraped away at for god knows how long— his whole life, perhaps?— but it's not a bad feeling, not by any measure. if anything, he wants it to last forever, to get drunk on its beauty and sweetness for the rest of his otherwise thus-far miserable little life.
but, i don't think this is a point where venti would or even could say "i love you" back. maybe he wants to, and maybe he tries, but the magnitude of its meaning is something he's historically always run away from, so i think it's more likely he's left with this pleading unspoken yearning.
and then next thing they know, xiao says, "all right, here we are" and venti stops staring at xiao and out the window to realize oh, yes, they are back. they're in front of jean and lisa's place, and xiao is dropping him off for the night.
venti dawdles a little in getting out of the car, but he finally manages to say something right as he steps out and is about to shut the door.
"thanks again for taking me to that college party. but i also mean it— next time, let's do something you enjoy, all right?"
xiao doesn't say anything, and venti just ends up kind of lingering in the doorway for a minute with tension simmering between them. venti opens his mouth to speak, gets as far as taking in a breath before he realizes he doesn't know what exactly to say. and so he slowly shuts it, and he really has no excuse to keep on dawdling at this point, but right before he closes the door, xiao speaks up:
"thanks for running after me."
and in a sense, it's a comfort to venti, because deep down inside he was also afraid that they'd never acknowledge this ever again and they'd go back to having that wall between them. but xiao breaking the silence to acknowledge its passage between them feels like a sign otherwise. because if nothing else, xiao will acknowledge it.
"hehe. you're welcome," venti replies, then grins teasingly at xiao. "you're stuck with me… foreverrrrr~"
and it's hard to tell in the dark, but xiao's expression softens a touch, and he says, "i can think of worse fates."
again taken aback by xiao's sincerity, venti lets all his teasing fall away, and he simply says, "goodnight, xiao-xiao. drive home safely."
there's still something unspoken between them, a palpable tension in the air, as xiao nods, venti shuts the door, and they part for the night. but when venti aches after xiao leaves, it's not as painful as it used to be.