mixed race thoughts ii
you all read disjunct, right? you all get it.
originally drafted (but never posted) 10 december 2021.
it's time for me to curse you all with my thoughts on being mixed by giving all my problems to a little pre-existing fictional character!
…or something like that. it's not really turning out that way. for some reason i have a hard time writing abt this outside of like. tag essays or unwritten letters or other unbearably personal sorts of writings.
to project struggles of race onto characters feels Not Right even if it would be canon compliant. it's like i'm not allowed to have this.
i don't know. i'll probably edit it a few times since it doesn't feel… poignant rn. i keep avoiding the parts i wanna talk abt most, bc those are the parts that would feel the most vulnerable.
I Am Very Much Giving This Character My Feelings Wholesale.
and i don't even really like writing those kinds of thoughts n feelings down in the first place!! not even in my diary!!!!
i think abt it all the time!!! i want these thoughts and feelings to be Known and Understood!!!!!!! but for seemingly NO apparent reason, it's just So Hard to write them down.
(bc then they're real. then they exist.)
(and maybe i don't want them to be.)
but they do, and they're there, and they're here to stay, so please!!
[*punches a hole in the wall*]
how does it feel to know that people think you're stealing your own birthright? should you hold onto it? or just let it go? it hurts either way, just differently— so pick your poison, darling!
how does it feel to know that only half of you matters to people? do you just go along with it? or do you fight to have them suspend their skepticism at best?
doesn't it hurt? to know that you share a part of yourself with those who reject you? that you can reject the part you share in turn? better to be a full-blooded wolf than the black sheep in the family, but you can't be that.
it's not something you can change.
because yeah it hurts. but i don't wanna talk about it like it's me that's hurting. i can't bear to put my own pain into the spotlight.
i want that which hurts to be seen, though. and i want it to be beautiful.
because maybe then it'll stir something in people that isn't pity.